Unbearable Lightness

Lainasin muutama viikko sitten kirjastosta Portia de Rossin kirjan Unbearable Lightness-a story of loss and gain.

Luettuani kirjan se nousi heti parhaimpien listalle, mitä olen koskaan lukenut. Pidän muutenkin lukemisesta hyvin paljon, ja minua kiinnostaa kirjat, jotka kertovat erityisesti syömishäiriöstä parantumisesta.
Portian kirjassa on hyvin rankkaa tekstiä, taistelua ja tuskaa, mutta hän kirjoittaa myös parantumisesta niin hyvin, että haluan jakaa teidän kanssanne pieniä otteita kirjasta. Näihin asioihin samaistuin itse niin paljon, että itkin. Kuin omia ajatuksiani olisi lukenut. Tuntuu lohdulliselta, että tästäkin pisteestä jossa nyt olen, on oikeasti mahdollisuus jatkaa eteenpäin.


Suosittelen lukemaan.

"Recovery feels like shit. It didn't feel like I was doing something good; it felt like I was giving up. It feels like having to learn how to walk all over again. I felt pathetic. I remember having so little self-esteem that I couldn't talk loudly; I literally couldn't make myself heard because I wanted to disappear. I didn't want to be spoken to or looked at or acknowledged. When someone paid attention to me, I thought they were doing it out of sympathy, kindness, and so it felt condescending."

Mä häpeän itseeni, puhettani, olemassaoloani.

"All recovery meant to me was being fat. Unlike the case of an alcoholic or a drug addict, there are no immediate benefits to getting well. My joints might have stopped aching pretty quickly, but after that, it didn't feel better, it felt worse. I experienced all kinds of physical changes, that made me feel gross: my period returned, I had gas and was constipated. And then there was all the fat that came back. It was truly awful for me. One week I felt lean and perfect, ant the next week I was fat."

"I could no longer starve or I'd die. Therefore, it was essential to eat. So I did. I ate everything in sight. I ate everything I had wanted to eat for a year but hadn't allowed myself. I felt that if I were going to give up, I might as well give up all the way. The floodgate had opened."

Mä pelkään, että syön itseni hengiltä. Nyt kun olen antanut itselleni luvan, en voi enää lopettaa, en pysty. Ajattelen ruokaa kokoajan, kaikkea mitä voin syödä, ja jos haluan syödä herkkuja en kiellä niitä itseltäni, vaan syön kaikkea mitä haluan. Se hävettää ja pelottaa.

"If you can accept your natural body weight- the weight that is easy for you to maintain, or your "set point" - and not force it beneath your body's natural, healthy weight, then you can live your life free of dieting, of restriction, of feeling guilty every time you eat a slice of your kid's birthday cake.  
But the key is to accept your body just as it is. Just as I have had to learn to accept that I have thighs that are a little bigger than I'd like, you may have to accept that your arms are naturally a little thicker or your hips are a little wider. In other words, accept yourself. Love your body the way it is and feel grateful toward it.
Most important, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are and not just how you look like."

Tuota mä haluan, juuri tuota kohti aion mennä. Pitkä tie on kuljettavana mutta haluan uskoa, että pääsen päämäärääni, kunhan en vain luovuta.